I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
