Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
