we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
