He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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