then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
