I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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