she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
