he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
