sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
