I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
