I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
