Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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