Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
