I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
