in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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