i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
