New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
