do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
