My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
