Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
