I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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