My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
