I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
