Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
