wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
