do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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