i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
she looked like the before picture.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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