I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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