I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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