I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
