I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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