john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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