On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
