gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I have aggressive nipples.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
