One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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