overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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