I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
