My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
