the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
