The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
