Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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