3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
