NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
