How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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