You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
