So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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