Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
