Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
