Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
