the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
