A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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